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20 Thought Catalog Articles That I Made Up, Which Are Also Probably Real

12 Feb

1. The 7 Different Kinds of People You Will Meet In Brooklyn

2. Is Being Gay Still a “Thing”?

3. 36 People On The Weirdest Thing Their Childhood Pet Ever Did

4. I’m Sleeping With My Boss (and I’m Not Sorry)

5. 12 Thinks That You Definitely Shouldn’t Drunk Text Your Ex

6. The Culture Divide: How Language Changes Habits

7. How I Learned To Love Myself

8. I Sill Believe In Valentine’s Day

9. What I Really Wanted To Say After Our Date

10. This Is How You Left Me

11. The 20-Something Guide To Furniture Shopping

12. Thigh Gaps Aren’t Just A Marketing Tool

13. 23 Things That I Have Learned After 23 Years

14. The Divide

15. An Open Letter To Public Transportation

16. What Most People Don’t Know About Rape Survivors

17. I Miss The Way You Looked At Me

18. This Amazing Kitten Riding A Scooter

19. 42 Quotes About Honesty

20. How To Find Your Soul-mate In New York

The Stupidest Things I’ve Said In Seriousness

9 Apr

“When I grow up I want to be a pig.” (age 3)

“But that’s not how I spell seal. “(age 6)

“I’ve been wondering this; does Rome still exist?” (age 10)

“Anyways, everybody knows it’s more fun to play on a properly renovated playground. So we’ll clean the steps with paper towels… well, you will… and we can get astoturf for the sandbox so we can read in there.” (age 10)

“Warriors is not a book series. It’s a way of life.” (age 10)

“The sky is green. That’s a fact. It’s not true, but it’s a fact.” (age 11)

“I drank like eight cups of water just this morning! But one of them was milk. And one of them was mango juice.” (age 11)

“A seminarian? Is that a person who teaches seminars?” (age 12)

“I don’t really know what unanimous means.” (age 13)

“When I get in cars, I never know what to do with my hands. Like, where to put them. You know?” (age 14)

“You got called down to the office? Maybe your grandma died. That’s what I always think when I get called down to to office. Or you forgot your luch. It might be that too. Actually, your grandma probably didn’t die. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.” (age 14)

“This kid in my class was hired by Apple… well, maybe not officially…” (age 15)

“I don’t think I could date someone who didn’t like folk music. But then again, actually I probably could, now that I think about it.” (age 16)

“Okay, and water’s a liquid, right?” (age 16)

Obama Is The Devil, But You Knew That Already

19 Mar

Thought Catalog

bible1

It should be no shocking news to you that Barack Obama is the devil. After all, “Obama”; Devil”: these words both contain vowels. Granted, not the same number of vowels, or the same vowels, but still. And in case that’s not enough for you, check this out: “Satan”; “Obama.” Again, not the same number of vowels or the same vowels, but still; getting closer.

ANY-way, we have exciting news in that Obama has been proved to be Satan once again… assuming that you were the sort of person who believed this already.

Yes! You see, The History Channel currently has a mini-series that is cleverly entitled The Bible, since it’s about the Bible. And the actor who plays Satan on the mini-series happens to sort of look like; well, we’ll let Glenn Beck do the explaining–

glennbeck- Anyone else think the Devil ...…And by saying that the devil resembles “That Guy,”…

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5 Of The “Worst Songs Of All Time” That Are Actually Great

19 Mar

So I found this thing on the internet. Yes, music lovers everywhere, this list is supposedly a list of the 50 worst songs of all time ever. The people who made this list are actually an embarrassment to list-makers everywhere. We know that these songs are not the 50 worst of all time for two reasons. First off, Journey and Bon Jovi have both been mysteriously omitted. Second, there are several songs on here that are at least okay (Sound of Silence, We Built This City, etc) and exactly 5 songs that are actually great. They are:

48. The Beatles- Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

This is legit in my top 5 favorite Beatles song of all time. I mean, I actually don’t even understand how a person could say this song is anything less than a 10/10. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da is the greatest sexist song ever written (“Molly stays at home and does her pretty face”). Because life is happier when the woman’s work is just keeping herself pretty. That’s what I learned from the Beatles. This person even named their blog after this song, and it looks remarkably like a WordPress page. This person has good taste, and therefore it’s obviously a good song.

#41. Billy Joel- We Didn’t Start The Fire

Everybody knows that Billy Joel is a great musician. Well… most people know it. When people want to use words like “cheesy” to describe the musical genius of Joel, I just send them to find my friend Tess and never talk to them again. I guess I understand why this isn’t musically great, but be honest. When you hear this song, you love it. The people who made this list were just mad because they couldn’t memorize all the lyrics. Here’s some advice: you just have to sit down and write them out. Trust me, I’ve been there.

#26. The Doors- The End

I thought the Doors were generally regarded as being great musicians. I mean even snobby music people like the Doors. Right? I get that The End gets kind of weird toward the end (ha! ha! see what happened there?!) and becomes more of, like, drums while Morrison reads an unpublished Poe short story, but we can still all agree that the first three minutes are great… right?

#12. The Beach Boys- Kokomo

Okay, so let’s have a real quick moment of honesty, y’all. Pretty much everything the Beach Boys have ever written sounds very similar to, if not exactly the same as everything else the Beach Boys have ever written. If you like the Beach Boys (and I do), what’s so different about another pop number featuring shallow romance and warm beaches? What makes this song top-twelve-terrible? That’s what the Beach Boys do, for God’s sake! And Rolling Stone called Pet Sounds the second greatest album of all time. So there’s that.

#5. Vanilla Ice- Ice Ice Baby

Ice Ice Baby is so friggen classic. I mean, not just anyone whips out creative genius like ” ‘Cause my style’s like a chemical spill/ Feasible rhymes that you can invision and feel”. I mean, I don’t even know what that means and I know it’s awesome. Everybody knows it’s awesome. I know because I asked my whole entire English class, and every single person agreed that Ice Ice Baby is a great song. Every. Single. Person.

No More Spotify, or My Terrifying Encounter With The Computer Guy

5 Mar

Have I mentioned that I like 30 Rock? Yes? Well here’s the thing; I don’t actually have the responsibility to tune into a television programme once a week. I also do not like commercials as they promote large monopolizing corporations and I am a hipster who spells program with two ‘m’s and an e. Also because I have a really short attention span.

In other words I have been watching 30 Rock for the past year solely on Netflix. The only issue with that is Season 7 is actually not up, and I have been out. of. unwatched. episodes. This basically would have been fine and dandy since I can just re-watch old episodes whenever I want 30 Rock (all the time always). Also, I kind of like saving it so I never have to admit to myself that it’s actually ending (well, ended, really… but that’s a minor point).

The only issue (but a pretty dang big issue) was that a whole bunch of people I like were watching the last few episodes and commiserating together. They had long “what did episode five mean” talks and “oh it’s in a 30 Rock episode” inside jokes. They even met once a week for an exclusive meeting that they titled “we’re caught up on 30 Rock episodes lets chill together don’t invite Shannon”. And let me just say, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that I hate more than people looking like they love 30 Rock more than me.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. By the time I realized times were desperate, I could no longer watch all the episodes I needed to see on the official NBC website. Let me tell you desperate measures were taken. Oh yes they were. It’s kind of embarrassing, and I don’t really want to go into it, but let’s just say this; in desperation, a lot of things were downloaded. Clear discretion was not being made about what I did and did not download. I think in the haze I may have clicked on a “~~**6ooth pErSoN tO cLiCk YoU jUsT wOn $1 mIlLiOn**~~” thingy. A lot of things happened, because I really love 30 Rock. More than you love it, probably.

Unfortunately, Project Free TV did not give me 30 Rock, and the next day my computer would not turn on. Since it’s a school computer, I took it to the school computer guy who is actually kind of intimidating. He told me to come back in a few periods, and when I came back he gave me this look, and said “Yes. You need to come back at lunch so we can talk about whether or not you can keep you computer privileges. I found a LOT of things downloaded that should not be there.”

Since this guy is a school employee, my immediate reaction was that I would be expelled. After I was expelled, the public school would not accept me because I had a bad record. My parents would kick me out, and I would starve on the street at the premature age of seventeen.

When I went back to the computer room at lunch, I got the “this is for school don’t download Spotify or Google Chrome or anything else” speech. No questions. One threat. I was gone. When the relief wore off, I started getting mad. I re-downloaded Google Chrome, but downloading Spotify is blocked. Also my psych homework that was on my desktop was GONE.

So anyways, this is the end of my run with Spotify. I will miss the unlimited Bon Iver, the unlimited… everything else. But it’s gone. Goodbye, Spotify. I’ll miss you.

Cliché Highschool Problems vs Real Highschool Problems

29 Jan

Cliché Highschool Problem– The guy you like is super popular, and he doesn’t like you back because you’re not.

Real Highschool Problem– The guy you (may or may not) like doesn’t like you because you only have one class together and you have never talked to him. Also because during that class, you’re annoying as hell.

Cliché Highschool Problem– Everybody is pressuring you to drink and do drugs, but you don’t want to! What do you do?

Real Highschool Problem– Some of your friends drink and do drugs, and if you say you don’t want to they say okay and basically don’t care. Wait, this isn’t even a problem. I mean, unless your friends get caught. Then it’s a problem… for them.

Cliché Highschool Problem– Your life is so stressful because of all this boy/friend drama!

Real Highschool Problem- Your life is so stressful because you watched eight consecutive episodes of Cheer Moms, and none of your homework is done.

Cliché Highschool Problem- This really cool guy should like you, but instead he likes this drop-dead gorgeous, intellectually-challenged blond girl who all the awesome girls hate because she’s secretly evil.

Real Highschool Problem– As much as you hate to admit it, the girl Really Cool Guy likes is generally smarter, nicer, funnier and more interesting than you will ever be. Also she is a brunette. Gosh dang it!

Cliché Highschool Problem– People don’t like you because your hobbies and interests are different. They all want to just hang out and have a good time, and you are a person of substance!

Real Highschool Problem– People don’t like you because you won’t stop talking about yourself/loudly singing songs nobody else likes. They try to give you a chance, but you’re not fun to be around. OR Lots of people think you’re really cool, even though your hobbies and interests are different. Welcome to anime club!

Cliché Highschool Problem– You’re constantly late for class because the school bully shoves you into lockers.

Real Highschool Problem– You’re constantly late for class because your friends are so super distacting, and also beause all the FRIGGEN FRESHMEN in FRESHMAN HALL take their JOLLY GOOD TIME, and spread their books and crap ALL ACROSS THE HALLWAY.

Cliché Highschool Problem– The guy who is generally thought of as “less cool” ends up being a total gentleman who makes mixed-tapes and opens car doors for you.

Real Highschool Problem– The guy who is generally thought of as “less cool” ends up being both ruder and creepier than you originally thought, giving you a pretty decent understanding of why he is generally thought of as “less cool”.

Cliché Highschool Problem– Your friends act nice to your face, but say awful things about you behind your back.

Real Highschool Problem– Your friends are mean to you; to your face as well as behind your back. Get new friends.

Cliché Highschool Problem– Drama of the social nature has taken over your life- you cannot focus on school!

Real Highschool Problem– Drama of the theatrical nature has taken over your life- you cannot focus on school!

Cliché Highschool Problem– The guy you’re dating wants to have sex with you. You’re not ready, but you feel pressured.

Real Highschool Problem– Wait… I actually have no idea about this one.

Cliché Highschool Problem– You cannot STAND your parents. They just don’t get you and your life! You have to remind them (on a regular basis) of how much you hate them, usually by screaming it from a stairwell.

Real Highschool Problem– Your parents are pretty cool, and so naturally you feel guilty for ditching them all the time to hang out with your friends, and also for using all their money.

Cliché Highschool Problem– Your teachers are basically crazy.

Real Highschool Problem– Accurate.

Embarrassing Things That I’ve Cried About (Pt.II)

22 Jan

Well guys, since the last time we talked about strange things I cry about, I’ve cried about a whole lot of new strange things. Good god, I’m an emotional person. Without further ado…

1.) This fall, I cried at the Google Chrome commercial 5 consecutive times. Yes, it is a very sad commercial. Yes, my brother (also my only sibling)  just left for college. Yes I do understand that they made that commercial in hopes of emotionally manipulating susceptible people like me. And in case you’re wondering, yes, I do now use Google Chrome.

2.) Between that last article and today I cried during several cartoon movies. For instance, I cried during the beginning of UP. By ‘the beginning’ I do not mean when Ellie dies. I mean when she and Carl get married. What’s even more embarrassing, this event transpired at school.

3.) I also cried during the scene in Les Mis where Marius and Cosette meet in the garden. APPARENTLY this scene is supposed to be happy?? Um, what?  Let’s not even go there. I think we all know that Marius should be with Eponine; the most relatable character in Les Mis. #WeAreAllEponine

3.5.) I also cried when Eponine died, but I am not embarrassed by this, so it doesn’t get its own number. On a slightly more embarrassing side note- did not cry any other time during Les Mis.

4.) I cried during my Algebra II Trig final. Functions can be real tear jerkers, guyz. Especially when you have no idea what the eff’s going on. In my defense, this is the first time I have every cried at school, about school. Yeah… I failed that test. And I don’t mean I “failed it” either. Nope. I failed it, for reals. S’okay, though, ’cause I already got aaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllll the tears out.

5.) During English class last week, I cried while reading  Sullivan Ballou’s letter to his wife Sarah. I know it was written 152 years ago, but it’s just SO TOUCHING. Sullivan Ballou is such an honorable gentleman! This is the kind of person that I wish to marry. Our English teacher took a moment to question whether or not people with this extent of honor still exist. My answer is YES! … because, of course, I want them to.