More Productive

5 Nov

I’m sitting here with math homework. There are lights outside on the street, and I have a hard time looking away from them, because I think…

When you send me a message, my phone makes a ping. My heart beats faster, but I don’t look up. In front of me are hundreds of problems. Where will they take me, these parabolas? When I learn them all, will they be proud?

I wonder what I would do if you were to call me while I studied. I doubt you know how much I care about you, and studying. I couldn’t stop, I don’t think. I wouldn’t answer. You would have to find some way to figure it out alone.

In the summer, I sat at home reading Sylvia Plath. I would place a book on my knees, and my feet on the couch, with my head propped on an arm rest. I would read for a while, until I wondered why I was reading, and then I would think of other things that I didn’t see any point in doing, and then read some more.

While the sun baked the earth outside, I stared at the taupe wall and wondered what it meant to be alive. I thought, even, about giving up. Not killing myself, so much as just deciding not to try much anymore. I was alone.

When she came over, we walked to the park and lay in the grass by the baseball fields. “What do you think?” she asked me. “I don’t know.” I answered. “You’re so sad.” she told me, “and why is it? Is it because he doesn’t like you?”

“I don’t think so.” I told her.  “I don’t think that’s quite what it is.”

I wondered if there was anything left to say about it. I couldn’t think of anything, so we walked back home. I don’t remember what happened after that.

In the fall, she drove me there. The lines in my planner have nearly every line filled. There is not a moment when I’m alone.

“It’s best if you don’t read Plath in the summer.” I tell her now, and she agrees. “It’s better, sometimes, when you’re busy.” she adds. “You don’t want to think about it too much.” I’m happier now. I don’t have any time. I don’t have any time to think, only time to work.

“It ought to be that way too.” she tells me. “Because you seem to be doing better now. You’re more productive.”

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