I Need Time To Be

27 Mar

I need time to be. I watch the birds fly across the field, cawing. I don’t think about anything but what I see. There are trees that stretch into the distance as far as I can see. In the mud by the river the plants start to grow. I can see them, but I don’t know their names.

I need time to think. I think about philosophy, morality, and whatever it was I thought about that book you handed me. I think about what makes me miss you. Was it your tense walk? The way you smiled? I think about where I’m going, about who I am, and who I want to be.

I need time to cry. I curl up like a wounded animal, and cry, cry. I cry about my own sadness and about yours, the sadness of today and of tomorrow. I cry until my face is blotchy and my throat is sore. I feel the pain, the pain of anger, of rejection, of failure, of loss. I cry until my body won’t let me anymore, until cold and messy I fall asleep.

I need time to remember. I remember the days that don’t come easily anymore. I remember the bike rides to the pool and the sparklers at a block party all those years ago. I read the letters that meant so much to me until I know them word-for-word and they don’t make me feel a thing.

I need time to walk. I taste the air, and I remember all the other times it tasted this way. In the winter it feels crisp, in the fall and spring; fresh and clean, in the summer; moist and warm, like overripe fruit. The runners go by, and they seem happy. They smile at me. “Good morning”. My worries fade.

I spend lots of time on school, and sports. I spend lots of time on organized activities, with people. And that’s fine. But sometimes I see what people expect, and realize these expectations are not for me. I like to work. I like to learn about Chemistry, and English, and French. I like to swim, I like to talk, I like to run. But I can’t do these things every moment of every day. Sometimes, I need time just to be.

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