My Official Reviews of “Classic” Books

23 Nov

This is… sort of in the order I read them… if I even read them…

Winnie the Pooh- Today while I was at the library, I started to wonder why they had different return slots for “adult books” and “kids books”. That seems a little dumb to me. Couldn’t they do fiction/nonfiction? I dunno, I guess it makes it more convenient. But I don’t know what half the stuff I read is anyways. Kids books? I dunno. Anyways, Winnie the Pooh- wonderful stuff. 10/10

The Lord of the Flies- This one I thought was pretty good. Really good, actually. My dad read it to my brother and I when we were little. Lots of people told me that this seemed very wrong to them, due to we were too young to really understand the themes. We read it in highschool too. I think I understood it less the second time. Which is funny. 9/10

Watership Down- Well, this is an odd story. When I was 10 years old, my rabbit ran away and my mom decided we should read this book together. To make me… feel better? No clue. But anyways, it was very confusing. I liked it though, because it had rabbits in it. I thought about going back and rereading it, but it looks too long. But still, rabbits. 8/10

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy- This is actually tied for my favorite book of all time. When I started reading it I just kept stopping periodically and thinking “oh my god, this guy is a genius.” He’s a genius, people. The Hitchhiker’s Guide is serious without being serious. And oh my god it’s funny. So. Freaking. Funny. Read it y’all, you won’t regret it. 10/10

To Kill A Mockingbird- This was an excellent book, and the movie was excellent too. I think that the thing that’s so interesting about To Kill A Mockingbird is that it’s from the perspective of a little kid. I think kids are smarter than people give them credit for. Which I guess kind of brings us back to Winnie the Pooh. The only downside was that it could get bit confusing. My favorite part of the book was the brother/sister relationship. Aaaahhh, the good old days. 9/10

The Scarlet Pimpernel- I liked this book a lot because it had a plot twist and a romance and a male hero who doesn’t compromise his ideals. Oops, just gave away the whole plot. Well anyways, I thought it was really good, and it was one of the few things that I was supposed to read and actually did, all the way through. That’s high praise. Still, it probably shouldn’t score perfect due to lack of originality. I’m sorry Percy, I still love you. 9/10

Fahrenheit 451- I wanted to like this book because I liked Ray Bradbury. He seemed like a pretty neat fellow. Also, I really liked Clarice. But then she just kind of disappeared, and personally I feel like the book went downhill from there. It was too long. And too weird. Might it have possibly worked better as a short story? Who’s to say? 7/10

The Catcher In the Rye- Meh. I don’t do well with protagonists that I don’t like. Frankly, Caulfield was a jerk. It was just kind of depressing, but not in a pointed way like 1984. Just… bland depressing. I mainly read this book because it gets banned a lot. I don’t really know why. I thought it was kind of boring. Not terrible, though. 6/10

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man- I really liked this book for about the first 100 pages. I liked the stream of consciousness thing a lot, had no problem with it, honestly. Then, with like 20 pages left, I got bored and never finished it. I don’t know what happened. I just got bored. I thought to myself “Will Stephen Daedalus ever come to find God in a true and honest way?” and then I realized that actually, I just didn’t care. At all. I bought the thing too, and it mocks me every time I see it. Alas, I can’t even figure out where I stopped reading because it’s written in stream of consciousness. Oh well. I liked the moo-cow bit, though. It brought something new to the table. That’s admirable, at the very least. 6/10

1984- This is the other one that is tied for my favorite book. It has romance, it has politics, it has philosophy, it has irony. I even forgive the long and boring technical explanations, which, oh my god, I ACTUALLY READ. I never read those things, because I am so lazy, but I tell you it was all worth it. It’s so good. Also, Thom Yorke of Radiohead literally took the ending of this book and transferred it into the little ‘bing’ at the end of The Tourist on OK Computer, because Radiohead is the band version of George Orwell. Go team. 10/10

Dune- I got approximately 10 pages into Doon before I fell asleep. At 3 in the afternoon. Then I woke up and read the rest. Then I returned it to the library. I hear it’s good. Well sorry. I tried. 3/10

Romeo And Juliet- This book made me mad. Let’s not get into it, okay? Suffice it to say that if it was written after 1800 I would be giving it a 1/10, and even that would only be for the beautiful language. But Shakespeare is old. He started things. Okay, some credit is due. I’ll muster up a few points for originality. But come on. You could’ve been writing a sonnet. A sonnet! 4/10

Of Mice and Men- This one I thought was very nice. Steinbeck kept it short, which I appreciated. I was interesting, and yet… not too interesting. I liked it, but I’m not sure it really… I dunno… changed me. But there were some good ideas. It was like a very long poem. 8/10

Great Expectations- I don’t know WHO made this one a classic, but let’s collectively rethink this, people. I didn’t read the whole thing, but I heard the plot in class. It merits 200 pages. Tops. Six hundred is ridiculous, and unfair. You want to preach to me for SIX HUNDRED PAGES, Dickens? No. Go back to debtors prison. Kthnxbai. (One point will be awarded for the romantic relationship between Biddy and Pip which only materialized in my mind) 1/10

The Picture of Dorian Gray- Well, this was delightfully creepy. Kind of like all those horror movies that I can’t watch because I scream and then somebody has to turn off the movie and sit up with me all night. Oh Oscar Wilde. You’re sort of like Charles Dickens, only good. Actually, no, you’re nothing like Charles. But you are good. 9/10

Animal Farm- Here’s another win from Orwell. This man delivers. He’s smart enough to come up with a great plot and then keep it short. I applaud you, Orwell. 10/10

How To Win Friends and Influence People- Oh my gosh, if you ever want an afternoon of fun, read this thing. I read the first few chapters and collapsed in fits of laughter and oh my gosh, I can feel it coming on now. No. No. But seriously, just learn people’s names. Works like magic. That’s all you need to know. 5/10

As I Lay Dying- Excuse me, could someone please tell me what’s going on? Oh, your mother died? And now she’s a fish? And now we’ll set someone’s arm in concrete? OOOOOOOOkay. But seriously, lets not. This book might have been okay if I didn’t have to write a 6 page pager on it. Which, of course, was my own fault. WHY DON’T I LISTEN TO PEOPLE? 5/10

Julius Ceasar- This book was mostly fine. I have no strong feelings about it. I read most of it. It seemed fine. I don’t know how it related to my life at all, but okay. Still would rather have had a sonnet. 6/10

Les Miserables- A lot of people in my class liked this one, and I admit,the plot seemed fine (didn’t exactly read the whole thing). However, I thought that the translation messed it up a bit. Also, long. My attention span could not compete with what is the Unabridged English Translation. Shoulda just watched the musical. #Regret 6/10

A Separate Peace- I don’t know how to explain this one. I’ll do my best. I read this book (the school’s copy) the night I got it. The next day I went out and bought my own copy. Then I tried to get my friends to read it. On my birthday, I got to write about why it was my favorite piece of literature I had read that year (on the English final). It was my best birthday present. Then I named my computer Finny and my calculator Gene. Yes. That’s all I have to say. 10/10

Steppenwolf- Steppenwolf, hipster of the ’20s. This was amusing until it wasn’t. It was relatable to a point, since I’m a hipster. But I tried to read it in the summer, and apparently it is not as interesting as summer things because it never got finished. I actually liked it though, because it was well written. I may go back and read it some day. But, yeah, you know, I probably won’t. 7/10

Slaughterhouse Five- Kurt Vonnegut is excellent. The only downside is that I get very confused all the time. I’m reading God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater right now, and I can’t keep all these characters straight. But at the end of the day, I don’t think Vonnegut would mind that. He’s a very bright guy. If I could describe him in one word, it would be ‘unpreachy’ and that is a wonderful thing, ladies and gentlemen. I recommend his works to all the people of the world, both English-speaking and not. If not, get Breakfast of Champions and just marvel at the pictures. 10/10

Death of a Salesman- This one was very enjoyable, and also short. I liked the characters as well as the confusingness which was eventually resolved. I want us to do this play at my theater. And yet there’s like one woman, so actually no, I don’t. I would not get cast in that one, sadly. 9/10

The Bell Jar- I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I really loved this book. I know that technically it’s depressing and such but it was just so easy to understand, and so well written. I think everyone has their days where everything is pointless, and blah blah blah, but you just learn to get out of them or seek professional help. And shock therapy treatment is illegal now, so that’s not such a problem. So do not be concerned about my liking this book. It’s just an honest part of life. I like honesty. 9/10

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf- Literally almost everything I just said about The Bell Jar is applicable here. It was very good. I also liked it because it was a play, and therefore I can cast it. Which is so wrong. And yet. 9/10

The Scarlet Letter- Well, I didn’t actually read this one. I think that’s probably rather obvious, actually. I made it about 20 pages into The Custom House Essay and gave up. Sorry Hester. You seemed like a nice lady. We might have been friends were it not for Nathaniel’s vocabulary. 4/10


5 Responses to “My Official Reviews of “Classic” Books”

  1. kerrylynnbouman November 23, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    Hi there, i thoroughly enjoyed this!! a trip down memory lane and your candid approach was funny!! well done!!

  2. isabrown7 November 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    i liked les mis………… why would you do that?!? its def a 10/10! :(. you know what?!? screw it. i’m writing my own review. 😛


  1. A review to rival your review of literary classics. « the awkward thoughts of awkward me - November 26, 2012

    […] Mine is better. […]

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