Glitter for Four (the parody)

21 Aug

This is by my friend Lilly, but she’s a genius (and I edited it), so here you go:

“Is glitter appropriate at four in the morning?” If an independent self-opinioned individual were to ask you this question at a random segment of your day, most likely you would label them as a freak. Perhaps if you were nice or pitied them for being pathetic, you might come up with a real washy comment, discard the absurd question and stumble through the rest of your day without giving another thought to glitter or 4 a.m.

Luckily for you have me, a not so independent but highly opinionated individual, here to consequently organize your thinking process and set you straight. GLITTER MAKEUP IS COMPLETELY AND ENTIRLY APPROPRATE FOR 4 IN THE MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your 4 a.m. glitter time is the most important part of your day, in most cases the equivalent to eating breakfast. Starting on the 15 of November in 2009, scientists and doctors discovered that this special alone time with your glitter in the morning causes you to release a newly discovered chemical in your brain known to scientists and doctors as Vos-Iustus-Got-Medicare-Serentis, known to us as Serentis. Serentis is a chemical your body produces to keep your body’s Quod Manifeste-ad (a large and absolutely vital organ in your body) healthy, reducing your risk of heart disease and cancer.

Taylor Swift and Gaga are already in on this trend. Even men such as Ricky Martin, Mika and all the members of Coldplay are taking the time to put on their makeup at 4 a.m. Why 4 a.m. you ask? Simply because 4 a.m. is the period in time when your body is not fully awake, putting you in the Dibuat-Omong Kosong state of being.

“What will happen when peoples bodies start to adjust to waking up so early?” a narrow minded insignificant stranger asked one of the Oxford staff members at the board. He was quickly rebuked by Dr. Phil; “We’re American &*$#@! Since when did we concern ourselves with the welfare of future generations! If worst comes to it we can go back to doing drugs, like in the 60’s. Trust me for Pete’s sake! I’m a doctor!”

Lindsey Lohan predicts that in a couple of years this will be the new biggest trend. Everyone including Taylor Swift, Megan Fox and even Robert Patterson get up at 4 a.m. every morning to put on their sparkles and lip gloss to greet a new day. Vogue, Dog Fancy and Sports Illustrated took a pole and one in four thousand Americans, or 67% of the population, put on their sparkles at 4 a.m. This rate is increasing rapidly at 0.000000000001% a year!!! Prevent skin cancer today and put on your sparkly makeup. Do what feels right; put the glitter on at 4 a.m.


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